Mile-End Seven

This is the 7th blog post about me, a not so passable but still very sexy mature transsexual woman wandering in the streets of Montréal, Québec after landing in a shitty small room in a 65 room building following an eviction for renovations...

and after spending most time after transition locked away inside the apartment where I lived since 2015 and that I had to leave in a rush on July 5, 2021. It's not necessarily written in a chronological order, and I might (so it seems) be repeating myself. Excuse my English: not my 1st language.

My Strange (ASD) self

I’m just being myself.

I wasn’t being myself completely before my transition, I did try hard to fit into one or another of my society’s preset box and patterns that are acceptable for a male individual at many points in my life.

I’m just being myself and it’s an original and unique way of being. I’m not feminine enough, I don’t pass enough, I’m too old… I don’t know what it is exactly but I don’t feel good.

I actually never felt good in this life, and it’s getting much worse.

At one point in my life must have been when I was around 15 years old, maybe earlier, I remember childhood… Anyways I realized it would be impossible for me to fit correctly in one or the other of those patterns. Impossible.

I was strange, special and one of a kind, I was told that often early in my life, even in childhood.

Actually, I realized that I couldn't be anything else but myself, and that I had no models (I understood less than 10 years ago why: I’m ASD)

Then again in my twenties I tried to fit models, with my two friends and roommates, they tried to make me fit, to show me how. Then again later in my thirties… I mean I really tried, haircuts and all. No use.

I can't be anything else but myself, and I realized, rather, admitted to myself too late that I'm a woman.

And now it's too late. The hormone replacement therapy doesn't really work...Surely no doubt it would have worked better if I had started when I first realized it, age 16 when my friend told me so. No doubt, would it be only hairwise: I had practicly no beard untill age 30. But that was so long ago, being trans then was like completely off the wall, and I knew if I headed that way that I would surely live an underground life… I still hoped to fit in as a man. My brothers were not that manly either… like yo I didn't know… I was 16 and didn't want to even respond to the calls of the gay community, I got hit on sooooo much in my teens.

Just like now as I'm typing this on my phone, and recently… I'm becoming a character in this park especially. I always have older or disabled dudes staring at me. I suppose they're gay. Maybe bicurious? They seem to find me very attractive (maybe strange also though), well… Many told me so very directly.

Now I’m out of cannabis and I realize how much I need it and why: everything is so dark and grim without it. I keep thinking about suicide all the time. I mean not precisely how and when I would do it, but when I try to think about… I don’t know.. like the future, or even just the state of my relations with my family or those who at one point pretended to be my friend, and the rest of society, it gets all dark in my head and I see only one escape possible and it’s death. I can even feel anger, I get angry at everything. Cannabis calms me down, otherwise my ASD keeps getting me to react to too many things, and too strong. Past scenes that come back make me want to kill, mostly recent and mundane scenes, like the French renting the room next door who had welcomed my arrival at this building by swearing in his mother tongue “putain, non mais c’est pas vrai!” behind me as I was walking back to the building, and having a good look at my legs and crop top for a first time. At that moment I wanted to just stop and confront him and ask him what was wrong precisely, but I was also scared so I did not, but later I replayed the scene in my head and ... I just censored a couple of paragraphs XD

So… I'm stone now, I found some hidden change I had and bought 2 strong joints at the SQDC. Cannabis is legal here. Government store. And uhhh, I'm addicted. Without it, everything gets too grim and dark and suicidal thoughts are omnipresent.

It's been my anti-suicide medication since… actually always. Since I was 14 when I first got buzzed on local leaves.

And it's my fuel for writing too, and has been for almost 15 years. Before also but since I was trying to fit in, and supply was then irregular… and I was writing then mostly professionally, as a reporter and communications officer, but I did start to get buzzed while working, then starting around 2008, I was mostly stoned when I wrote professionally.

It's my medication because… life has no meaning nor any goal, nor is there any kind of God. There is nothing.

That is the subject of my novel, in French, Le Sentier des monstres, that I will soon publish on Kobo.

But I need to come back to what I was saying also LoL.

I’m a very special individual, there is nothing I can do about it, I was when I was a child, I would have been a very special trans woman if I had transitioned in my teens or twenties, I just can’t escape myself.

And my social skills aren’t very good. I’m better at socializing if I’m buzzed on cannabis, otherwise, I say things just out of the blue, I react too much to everything, I rationalize too much, I look like a real fool, a nerd. I really need cannabis to help me smooth things out, both ways, what I say and how I react, and every sensation coming in, by any of the five senses.

Well that’s the autistic Spectrum Disorder for you. One of its faces, somewhere on the spectrum, there I am.

Did you know that ASD and transsexualism are linked?

Dominique Rock

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