I don’t know what to do… to find a grip to hold on to life. I’ve had dark clouds over my head all my life, much more at the start and towards the end (now), but it’s the first time the emptiness is so abyssal.
Facing the fact I might need to join back the workforce, death grows in weight in the balance. Certainly the invasion of Ukraine by Russia, and the vivid possibility that the World will drastically change, that the state of things being coolly growing will stop, adds to it. I see no future. And I’m old. And my heart recently stopped pounding for the only ray of sunshine I’ve had for the past three years. It was a crazy thought and relation; I think she’s my friend, even more and more, but it doesn’t burn in my chest anymore when I think of her. I never see her and she barely communicates, and any relation with her is as stupid a thought than going on living.
I smoked cannabis but it didn’t change my mood as it usually does. I really cannot see any point in going on living. I took progesterone as my present state could certainly be simply biochemical. I don’t have enough prescription of progesterone left to take it regularly. When I will also run out of estrogen, I’ll be totally fucked, as I don’t produce any testosterone anymore.
So it’s quite grim on that side also. I don't know when I will get a hold of any clinic or physician to support me.
Springtime is coming… very, very slowly. There is a good chance also my state is related to the fact I feel imprisoned and actually am in this fucking depressing room, so I’m lacking light, and especially sunshine… vitamins. I cannot live with no sun.
It’s difficult for the human brain to understand how much biochemicals are essentially what makes our mood. But we have so little knowledge about them.
I also find it pointless to write, as humanity will simply end shortly anyways, or Internet at least, and printing and all. We might very well end up one thousand years back if not 3000… Nukes on top of our heads I lived with all my life but it never seemed so probable than now that it will actually blow up before my eyes.
I lost my sunshine. Her soul is taken and bolted on to a stupid loser who abuses her. She will surely go back with him, she actually likes it. I tried to help her. I don’t think I succeeded. This is what she has to go through in her life. The autistic spectrum seems to be a path to abused lives.
I’m doomed. The only solution is the lottery. If I become rich, millionaire, things could change. I could help people and that would make me feel good.
I don’t know… there’s nothing really driving me to see the end of this day March 10, 2022.
Dominique Rock
