two of me

When I first open my eyes, every morning, still laying in my bed, some ugly episode or aspect of my life replays. Then I get up, fix myself an instant coffee and roll up a joint, and then go out to smoke it, rain or shine, and preferably before people start crowding the streets. Usually it then made me slip into a more confortable world where those memories don't taste as sour or are redirected to the background fade away, for some weeks, but recently, it makes little difference.

Obviously, there are weird biochemical actions happening in my body, and I'm not referring to my intentional hormones therapy (MtF). Since I was very young, I've been sick, and my Mom obviously very upset with non-answers from the health people, the physicians who could understand my Mom's worries and also observe some of the symptoms she noted, but couldn't explain them with any facts, and therefore usually concluded, maybe without saying it openly that 'it might go away by itself', and often it does, without any explanation (but most certainly these unexplained symptoms are at the source of some more important pathologies that may occur later in life, but science (medicine) only treat what they can identify... what they cannot may also exist; some physicians admit that).

Cluster headaches, a very unexplained and incurable and untreatable pathology is a good example of that. I have been forced to adhere to that sinister club since I was 18 years old. A very sinister club, I insist, cluster headaches have taken control of my life when I was a teen and still today I have no choice but to keep that on top of my priorities. That's been my medical reason for not being in the workforce for the last couple of years. There are times when I don't suffer from attacks, it's been the case since I stopped working, but for most of my life I was hit with one or two crisis a year, and these crisis last 8 weeks each, of total nightmare...

Unexplained. Total mystery for science, so is the fact (recognized in part by science) that LSD can prevent it, or psilocybin. It plays in the same sectors of the brain, I know, I felt it. (cluster headaches on Wikipedia)

Anyways my point was that the fact that no physician or specialist can put the finger on what is wrong with me doesn't mean that there is nothing wrong with me. And Cluster headaches are suspected to be related to the hypothalamus, and that is where the messages for more or less hormone is sent from to the various glands, and obviously, I have all sorts of weird things happening there in my hypothalamus, the cluster crisis are just the total peak of ongoing abnormalities in these messages. I have nodules and other lumps that grow and disappear on my skull and around my neck and jaw, they come and go, and obviously it's linked to my weird moods and lack or (relative) bursts of motivation, and also to my hair. These were some of the symptoms my mother was worried about 50 some years ago, and she was right: it's not normal... but science is speechless.

I only have my own observations and knowledge out of my many readings to maybe build hypothesizes, observations on me, but also on other clusterheads (my brother, my nephew and those I exchanged with all over the world on the Web around 2011-2014).

I am not one, I am two; there are mosaic parts of my body that are from another basic cell, my twin, who has fused with me at very early stage of conception. I feel like this, always did. It could also be that I'm simply not completely formed, some connectors haven't been plugged in, something like this.

Genetic studies are still young but I put forward that babies conceived by older adults, older than 40 years old, are most likely to be unfinished products like me. What I have read lead me to claim this, and also that many generations of such (my case 5 out of 7 of my ancestors since early 1600's) is also very much more likely to bring defects in the offsprings. But also, the autism spectrum might not be related to only that factor but it certainly shows in the figures. A majority of ASD subjects have a father older than 40 at conception. So maybe if I'm in the ASD it's simply another thing taking over my body and brain instead of myself, not just all one big failure I mean, but simply many weird aspects of a complex individual.

I also thought for a while that cluster headaches and ASD were related, but now I think it may not.

But there are two of me...

Dominique Rock