being trans

still revisiting my unpublished draft posts: I wrote this in July 2022, some 18 months ago. It is now more than 15 years that I admitted to myself I'm a trans woman, was Nov 2008; then I started HRT in Dec. 2015.

I was writing this 18 months ago, and things have changed very little since then; the perception I have of my transition varies from day to day, and this was how I was feeling then, having just started a new way of taking estrogen: intro-muscular injections. Maybe I should post more about my late transition, idk, well I'll post this one:

I have realized and admitted I'm trans more than a decade ago (13 yrs) and I'm halfway in my seventh year of hormones replacement therapy (HRT), and only this spring the changes in my body start to really take effect: for the first time, there is no way I can hide my small breasts anymore, and I must now consider buying a bra.

I'm not happy I'm old, I'm uncertain about the decision I took in 2015 forgetting to truly assess my age in relation with HRT, I'm not happy I had dosage adjustment probs, I realize my bodeh is weird, was weird from the start...

I'm really all fucking mixed up (I'm happy though about these recent changes and it blows a breeze of positivity although I'm uncertain I can metabolize that feeling into facts). 

And this, just as I had started to kind of give up on trying to pass as anything else than a older slim dude wearing women's outfits. (actually, I'm certain most people on the street think I'm a male transvestite hooker on duty; I didn't get any offers yet this year tho)

I was giving up... well actually I never really even tried any shit like this except outfits. No make-up, not even eyeliner for I totally suck at doing this, even mascara. I just feared/knew... I'd look like some kind of drag queen. I'm not a crossdresser, I'm not a drag queen... the only thing I'm certain of is I'm bisexual. I never could pretend I'm a woman, I'm certain most women would have some trouble with that also.

Anyways yea... I never tried. But I'm at a point where I think I'd look less ridiculous if I would.

I have big time problems with my hairstyle. I have to fight daily with my hair to look like something.

But since I've been using the Estrogel differently, since a couple months, I realize if this didn't happen before is mainly a question of dosage. If I get enough estrogen, the changes do come.

But what mostly comes in my face past year or so is oldness. I never could see me becoming an elder, I always enjoyed looking younger than my real age, it was damning in my twenties and early thirties but I'm grateful of it now, but I have to admit looking at my face that I mostly appear as an older person, then and only then after comes any questioning people can have about my gender identity.

In the people's eye. On the streets.

I'm old and should dress accordingly I guess.

Well I don't and it seems I cannot.

I bought black shoes, my second pair. I had figured that last summer: I wear too many colors, I have to tone down.

Down to 2020's standards.

I look like a freak. I'm all mixed up and show it loudly out my front porch. I can't escape who I am.

And now looks like I need a bra. My little perky titties point through every outfit I have, it used to be not like that, just last summer. With these same outfits.

I was worried just this week about my belly which I always had very flat (I'm very slim) but had grew fat through this lazy winter because of hot chocolates. I had figured that if I ate bad food for many months, maybe I'd get some fat and grow my boobs this way. Everyone should know that breasts are mostly fat, and I have no fat, or actually I have never had any fat. So it worked, the donuts and hot chocolate, chocolaty cakes (May Wests) and Decadent chewy chocolate chip cookies.

It's the modified milk substances in the hot chocolate powder, I was having up to 4-5 a day.

I was scared I'd have to live with a fat belly from now on but by walking a lot, I'm regaining my flat belly. But it won't be as flat as before, as also all my body is changing, it's not only the junk food.

Some tissues on my body absorb the Estrogel much better, I'm not going to say which. I won't tell my doctor neither since she quit the profession and I'm doctorless, almost prescriptionless.

But I look at my plucked face... And I really feel the estrogen working in the background. Like I know this is what I'm feeling, it's been seven years I'm on HRT. I remember when my testosterone flew out the window in a hurry, within eight months, getting so low, an endo might consider giving me some. I've been naturally lower in testosterone than many women for the past four years. By naturally, I mean that I take no more medication to lower my testosterone since four years. And my doctor was no able to elaborate an explanation for that fact... she was speachless. I only took medium dosages of spironolactone for like a year and a half, low dose first three-four months, plus Finasteride, then Dutasteride, which targets dihydrotestosterone and not the testes, or so they say. Anyways whatever, that part of HRT worked even too well for me. Too well to be normal. I wasn't much of a male, ever.

However, I never stopped being able to sustain an erection even if today is much different than before, but when started, it's not a problem, but I spray nothing, nada. This tells me I wasn't a normal male from the start. I really feel like I have vestigial female organs inside; other particularities of my genitals also lead me to think my penis is more of a very developed clitoris end than a male penis. That would explain why it still works as it did before, or almost: its functioning wasn't related to testosterone.

In brief, it actually took seven years for HRT to take effect. For the first time this spring, my breasts are really breasts, they so soft and tender, all my skin is soft and tender, my thighs even though I walk a lot and are muscled, move like a female, softly bouncing, my butt got fatter...

I have no choice but to deal now with my breasts and buy a bra, and wear it every day, I'm getting somewhat obscene with my 14 years old perky titties calling everyone as I walk by.

It's to be lots of work to be me arghhh.

Dominique Rock