Build Me a Woman

Build Me A Woman, a song by The Doors, on the Absolutely Live album. Yeah I was a fan of Jim Morrison back then. That one though was a Ray Manzarek song, probably a cover of an old Blues song idk actually, but Ray was singing it. It's a song that was part of my regular refs back then and as we my friend and I, two male teens were desperatly trying to cope with an influx of hormones were fooling around with ideas and joking I put up the proposition that we could build ourselves a woman. We had a laugh as the idea was apealing, calling on us to sort out what would be the features we'd choose, and instantly we disagreed so that's as far as it went: a big laugh, and we moved on to other teen ideas or smoked a joint idk, can't remember details. For some time after, it remained a running joke between us two that the others around didn't get. But actually it was my friend joking on this with the typical exagerations a male teen would paint the subject with that made me back off from that idea in the first place. So for him, it was kind of a carricature, a joke, like comedia d'el arte idk... I was never at ease when he joked on that for it was a serious idea I had put forward, not a joke.

I didn't know in what way exactly it was, though. Serious... I remember it was confusing at the time. Let's say it troubled me, in the way that I knew this was something near a genius find but I didn't know how... in what way even.

Then I kind of forgot about that as life went on, jobs, etc. And I saw him less often too. 

Anyways some 15 years later I'm in a Balzac class at University (yeah, I'm a late bloomer academically) and, I don't remember the book I was working on, the subject of the class or anything, all I remember is I found it was a great idea to start my essay like that: the idea that we could build a woman. I remember being quite unsure of what I was doing but it did have a link with the writings of Balzac, and the professor actually thought my essay started in a great fashion... but failed to buckle the loop and got to nothing at the end. So I had a mediocre result for that paper and asked to meet him to dicuss it, but I again failed in my explanation to link my initial great idea to anything and my mark remained the same.

That's almost forty years ago and I remember meeting P.N. in his office. He did aknowledge that I seem to have something to express but that I wasn't quite able to give birth to it, neither in writing nor orally.

I wasn't able to see the idea through and I forgot about that again for more another 15 years.

But the fact that idea remained with me is significant, I mean I met professors many times in my six years at university and most of them meetings are totally vague in my mind, but not this one.

I did think back about all this when I first admitted to myself that I'm a trans woman, in 2009, so 17 years ago. So this story goes by about 15 years jumps.

That's what it was. I finally was able to express what I couldn't in 1991 nor when I was teen. I'm the woman to be built, I needed to build me as a woman. And so I did...

Transsexualism was really not in the air back then, I didn't pick this idea from anyone, any book or movie, nowhere. I didn't dream to be a woman, I just was a woman. All this time.

I remember in 2009 when I gave a thought to this idea, realizing that my transsexualism was the end result of this idea I had intrinsically without any information as a 16 year old, it was... like the Grand Canyon opening before my feet. I was in my forties, had lost 30 years. It made me very sad that I had not picked up before what it meant, that all this time was lost and... forever lost. It's not easy to transition in your forties, less again in your fifties as I finally did.

So I built me a woman, she's me. She's unperfect as I never could picture that woman I wanted to create in my mind. So I never tried to follow any model, I just went with the feel. The feel of a woman without any specific code followed: I don't wear and dislike earrings. Why is it that a woman has to have her ears pierced? Would that make me a woman? No. I never wear any make up, I pluck my darker face hair though, and shave, but no make up, no mascara... Would that make me a woman? No. It would make me look like a man wanting to look like a woman...

To be continued.

Dominique Rock

Maple-Multrigrain 12 bread, and Multigrain 12 recipes

I'll post more pics soon when I find them as these are pics of the Multigrain12 bread, very similar but cheaper than the Maple-Multigrain 12

So the secret to see a multigrain loaf rise and cook correctly in a bread maker machine is more gluten and less multigrain; the best results will always be mixing in the machine, then take out the dough after the last punch and place them in pans or as rolls; actually I put 500 gr of dough in a cheap foil Betty Crocker pan, and the remaining 290 gr I made 75 gr rolls (100 uncooked); then the next bake I did only rolls, 6 X 95 gr and one 120 gr, they all were very soft and yummy; I baked the rolls 23 minutes at 350; the smaller loaf in foil 40 minutes at 350. In the bread maker machine, I used the regular bake setting which has 50 minutes final rise time, maybe that's the best setting for most bakes even harsher multigrain loaves because... idk maybe 90 minutes final rise is too much.

Maple-Multrigrain 12 bread recipe

 

        1 cup               warm water                            240 gr

        20 ml              veg. oil                      

        3 TBSP            Maple Syrup                           54 gr

        3 TBSP            Sour Cream 14%                    48 gr

        ½ tsp               Salt                                         3 gr

        1 ½ TBSP         Multigrain flour                     18 gr

        2 TBSP            Buckwheat flour                     22 gr

        1 cup+3 TBSP  Whole Wheat flour               186 gr

        1 cup ¼           Unbleached White flour         194 gr

        2 TBSP            Vital Gluten                            18 gr

        2 tsp               Quick Yeast                              6 gr

----------------------

Multrigrain12 bread recipe

 

1 cup +2TBSP  Warm Water                          270 gr

20 ml              veg. oil                      

3 ½ TBSP         Sour Cream 14%                    55 gr

½ tsp               Salt                                        3 gr

2TBSP+1tsp    Sugar                                     25 gr

1 ½ TBSP         Multigrain flour                     18 gr

2 TBSP            Buckwheat flour                   22 gr

1 cup+3 TBSP  Whole Wheat flour               186 gr

1 cup ¼           Unbleached White flour        194 gr

2 TBSP            Vital Gluten                           18 gr

2 tsp               Quick Yeast                            6 gr

Dominique Rock

 

 

then came the Sapiens

 ...And then came the Sapiens from Africa, they came in numbers, in colors in style as they danced and sang in circles around a weirdo waving his arms.

We watched from afar in awe as we couldn’t figure out at all WTF this was; obviously they looked much like us but slimmer, like reeds. Right from the start, the first time we witnessed their arrival, the females of our groups seemed very excited by them males stupidly and uselessly moving around while shouting and stuff.

Why such a waste of energy? Them must be weak to fight preys, they will steal ours, let’s get away, we thought.

But soon they were here and our females offering themselves to them even, that was gross.

Them way of hunting is weird, we don’t do like that around here. We plan the attack, then we deploy the plan. They just… improvise. And all those meetings dancing around the fire in costumes and colors on them skin… that they have very dark btw, all this shit is a totally useless waste of energy, they don’t even have a hunting tactic to discuss, their hunt is very approximate.

All they do is approximate, like there is no planning, no logic, they just go and improvise, so stupid. But it works, idk how exactly.

I don’t understand what’s going on. There’s more and more of them, there’s even now a new generation of hybrid children growing up in such a confused place… How will they survive, IDK. We’ll just go on doing what we do. The Great Elders successes show that there is only one way to survive, we must repeat the process.

But obviously for some reason that evades me, most of our females rather chose a Sapien for one thing, also their hunt is very successful, and then second thing is the wolves are with them, they hunt with the wolves, this is so… WTF. What’s happening …

x

winter, bread and my brain

It's difficult to realize at my age how my brain functions which explains all the failures of my life... ' also explains my creativity though. Anyways, obviously I'm AUDHD, that is in the autistic spectrum, but mainly ADHD, actually ADD since no hyperactivity.

My hyperactivity is focusing on one sole thing for days, sometimes weeks, then a sudden total drop of interest for that. Lately, for weeks, I wasn't satisfied with my last batch of bread, so constantly working on improving the recipe, and next day I'd get the machine out early and very concentrated...

Then my brain classified this bread venture as done... I developped two strong recipes, the quest is done, reached... no interest anymore, I fall in a depressed mode as the sky is desperately gray and the temperature stuck around freezing point.

I couldn't live in Belgium, I've been there once in the Winter. Seems like the grey sky is about to fall on you every day, I wouldn't survive; it's a French born Photography teacher in College when I was 24 who made me realize we here in Québec get a very cold and snowy Winter, yes, but it's soooo sunny; really? I said. Then after I went to Europe in the Winter and I got what he meant. Here we have snowstorms, yes, but even then the sky is not grey it's orange, and the day after it's all clear and blue skies for days... freaking freezing but sunny.

So this Winter has been hard; I will publish soon my best bread recipe so far, the Multigrain12.

Then after that I... dunno what I'll do. Watch hockey all Springtime maybe. #GoHabsGo

Another time I will develop on the fact that I now can diagnose as AUDHD symptoms all of my thoughts and moves and decisions just as they happen, am towed by the feeling without my full consent...

Dominique Rock

How I changed part 1

 I often tell myself: Hey I should blog this... and then I forget; what I find amazing is that this blog is still up; I'm surprised myself at the content, not remembering posting it.

I was saying this morning on Bluesky that I don't anymore like the music I used to listen to all the time and love in my teens and my early twenties. Some of it I still do, but very few tracks. I first rather discovered new tracks and albums from the 1970's and 1980's that I never had a chance to listened to back then for music was hard to get, and expensive; that was a phase of recap that is pretty much over now. I'm all done with those years... I mostly listen to music created in the last 10-15 years at the most now. I browse the new tracks out on YoutubeMusic.

Well what I wanted to point out is that I changed. I got old, yes, but mostly I transitioned, took estrogen, progesterone, testosterone blockers...

It didn't really change my body all that much, well it's starting to show... after ten years, about fucking time tabarnak! But anyways... I'm so changed that I don't care about that very much. I try to look good, but being poor I mean not having a budget for hairstyling, clothes... it's not easy so prrrrrt fuck that. I pluck my face the more I can, shave quickly (so I can pluck the day after), but.... yeah anyways.

I should document more in what ways ten years of estrogen has changed me... the way I see, feel, and react to everything (and dramatically increased olfactive powers😕) is completely different.

I'll go check my new bread loaf, tell you 'bout it later

:-)

Dominique Rock

New Multigrain 713 bread loaf

 

New Multigrain 713

Aiming for the perfect multigrain bread recipe, I baked many, and tweaked many recipes, freezing them, while I tried improving it, I went too far and took a wrong turn, for when I tasted the 712, which was same proportions en principe as 711 only bigger to fit the minimum dough the Sunbeam can handle, the taste was perfect!

The only problem with that loaf was that it failed rising properly in the bread maker machine, particularly, it sunk on top a little when the machine switched to baking from proofing, creating a sudden temperature contrast that affects this I guess fragile dough.

So I’ll simply go back to the 713, it had the right name already, the 7^th experiment was when I took the right turn in tweaking’s, the 712 and 713 deriving from the seven. So I wanted it to be called 7, and it’s 13 grains, so… I’ll drop the KBM and simply call it New Multigrain 713, the new to make sure that this is where you are, as I myself get confused (all the time I mean).

New Multigrain 713 bread

235 ml        1 cup                  warm Water

37.5 ml       2 ½ TBSP            Milk

5 ml           1 tsp                  vegetable Oil

30 ml         2 TBSP               Pure Canadian Maple Syrup

25 gr         1 ½ TBSP            Sour Cream 15%

4 gr           ¾ tsp                 Salt

12 gr         1 TBSP               Brown Sugar (packed)

35 gr         3 TBSP + 1 tsp     Multigrain flour**

22 gr         2 TBSP               Buckwheat flour

80 gr         ½  cup                Kamut flour

120 gr        ¾ cup                 Whole Wheat flour

157 gr        1 cup                  Unbleached White flour

9 gr           1 TBSP               Vital Gluten flour

6 gr           1 ½ tsp               Quick Rise Yeast

*  Use grams to measure the flours, this recipe being based on denser Canadian flours.

**Multigrain flour homemade blend: 6-grain mix (57%) (br+gold flax, sunflower, sesame, chia, pumpkin seeds; rolled oats (13%); white millet (13%) pearled barley (16%) basmati rice (12%)

General decay

So I again neglected this blog. For a whole year it seems. Not that I didn't have things to write or to (try to) share. I always thought I had to share ideas, and social medias, blogs and Internet in general was such a fantastic way to share with other humans and... create. I feel that by sharing and cooperating, by discussion, humans actually evolve.

We do. I dare to say we, but uhhh... that's precisely what I'm not sure of.

I always sought recognition. As a valid human, always. And uhhh it hasn't really happened. And my reason tells me, shouts to me to give up on that. And I do but I feel this thing in me, it's some kind of a chip that's there in my brain still functionnal...

We're programmed a certain way that doesn't fit at all this society, this size, a global human society idk... 

I've been reading and thinking a lot about the emergence of Homo Sapiens and their encounter with those we call Neanderthal. Can you imagine a mix breed individual, say one of their great grand-parents was a Neanderthal in today's world, in 2026? Well that's what we are.

I dare to say we.

So I rationally decided it was worthless to try to share ideas in today's world. Worthless to write. Since no one reads me... 

Anyways I am working on something, I've been writing this in my head for all my life and it's closer than ever to take form but again, it's difficult to find the motivation to draft it. No one would read it.

I noticed that this blog gets some visits, so now that I'm giving up, it seems the ashes are still burning idk...

I'm going back to more basic things: baking bread, feeding sparrows, growing plants.

I have to cut down on smoking pot. My health is declining it seems, or I have to adapt to being older and change my ways... wtf. I don't see any use for that, I mean... I don't wanna.

This Winter is being very, very harsh. And very long. Also Canada is clearly under threat and if I live that much longer I'll become an American. I'm not very excited by that, nor very scared though. 

I just realize that if I live much longer, it won't be very much fun as I'll be watching the World collapse. And myself.

General decay, as The Smiths sang*.

Dominique Rock

* ...Amid concrete and clay
And general decay
Nature must still find a way...

 "Stretch Out and Wait"
(Morrissey / Marr)