Were you gay?

I was not gay. So the offer, one could say was bound to fall short. But he did succeed in getting me interested in his offer. It was detailed enough and presented with lots of

with warmth, I'd say

"What is this? A short story you wrote?"
- IDK, no, it's just that, there's nothing else, just a thought I had, based on a memory but I'm unsure which memory now, three years later.
- I see... Well then, would it also apply to different memories you have?
- I guess it could... Yes.
- And you're not gay?
- Well... I transitioned since then, I'm a transsexual woman... it's complicated.
- Are you gay?
- I'm queer. Well I'm bisexual now.
- Oh now?
- Yes.
- And not back then? it's a new...
- No well... I was denying.
- Denying you were...?
- Denying that I was a gay man, is this what you want to hear? Maybe, but you know... I say I was a woman from the start, and that I did like men but society taught me it was very bad to be gay, and also very openly and violently repressed, so...
- Yes? And...?
- Nothing.
- What do you mean, nothing? You forced yourself to be attracted by women?
- Ha! Ha! No, no!! I think I was always attracted to women. Well I think so, and...
- How? Go on.
- Well I have very old memories of me fantasizing on women, but that for me now, as a trans woman, doesn't equal to me being "naturally" attracted to women, it's very much more complicated than that.
- What do you mean?
- Well I was like only 4 years old but already loaded with information on how our world works, on what is supposed to be, and also, may I add...
- Yes, please go on.
- It's the fact that it was hidden, femininity back then (mid 1960's) was either very mini skirt right down sexy with high contrast colors, or beige very discrete (nerd) look emerging from the 1940's and 1950's, and in my close surrounding, it was very beige, and so I was very curious to see what a woman looked like, it was mainly curiosity, but then, the society is flooding me with ideas that this is the hidden treasure, the sacred fruit, whatever... But I was... I didn't actually know about sex, no one told me about that, it was a Catholic family, but marriage, you know, the classic model, I bathed in that, so it kind of developed into me wanting women sexually, but I...
- Yes? It did?
- Yes I did spend a long portion of my life wanting to have sex with women, but at the time, when I was 4, 5, six years old, I couldn't say that I was attracted only to women, I learned in first grade at age six, from the other boys, that it was a no-no to find another boy cute, or charming, whatever. Before that, I didn't know sex, but I remember I was rubbing my lower belly on the ground in the backyard, and that I was showing how to do that to my neighbor my age, about four years old, putting both hands on my little penis and balls, and rubbing. I was masturbating, with no thought, no fantasy, neither on women nor men, and I was showing how to get pleasure from my body to my male neighbor. If my Mom wouldn't have stopped us, probably I would have also lead this to us frotting our soft cocks or even sucking it. Like... I'm telling you, no one had told me about sex in any way, it came to me naturally. But not associated with any fantasy for I didn't know about sex, you see?
- I see. So you're telling me you were gay, but you repressed it due to society telling you it was bad, and threats.
- Well... I don't know. I think I was bisexual, and a woman, from the start, a woman with a penis, and with no preset sexual fantasy, I was a bisexual trans woman from the start, that's what I am. Being bisexual is very natural it seems to me.
- But you seemed to be implying that you were driven to, society has driven you to be attracted to women. I think you were a gay man. It's a classic basket case.
- Hey there is absolutely nothing classic about me, dude. I claim that bisexuality is the only sexual orientation that could be called 'natural' in Homo Sapiens, just like the bonobos. Think about it a second, when Homo Sapiens was hunter-gatherer, so most of our existence, the concept of a couple was probably not even a thing, and from my readings and conclusions, the women of the group (30-70 ppl total) had sex with all the males in the group, so then fatherhood was also an unknown concept. The Band raised the children. There is no doubt that there were times when no woman of the Band wanted sex, and male Homo Sapiens being male Homo Sapiens, they always needed sex, just like today. So tell me why in the world would have they not have sex together? Religion? No organized global religion had emerged then; people were worshiping local gods, the gods of the Band, maybe, and just maybe of any larger Clan if any. Sex is natural for humans, clearly a means of exchange, of communication and a group social balance tool in bonobo apes, and also in chimps but them chimps are male dominated, whereas bonobo females keep a strong hold on their society, so sex in chimps is actually a tool for war and domination. But Homo Sapiens was also dominated by females before the first cities. So what I'm saying is that sex is a tool hominids can use either to pacify, either to dominate, and humans nowadays do both, but the patriarcal society came about 8,000 years ago and was a total switch, even a twitch to what was natural, that is anything goes, just like nature. Nature is anything goes, just look around, evolution, mutations (of viruses for example), adaptation everywhere and always, never-ending change... What is natural is anything goes. I'm naturally a bisexual, just like any Homo Sapiens is, if you remove all of what the patriarchal society has came up with and imposed on humanity. If you clear that out, genetically, Humans are bisexual. Being ASD, I have very low perception of any model, and so ASD people are more frequently bisexual, transsexual than neurotypical people. We are closer to 'natural'. To animals even. So that's that.
- Okay. But you didn't tell me about the memory the short text you showed me was based on.

- Well I'm not sure... could be different times... Next time okay? I need to eat now.

- All right, let's order food, too cold to go out.

- Yes well I don't know what's open, it's January First, remember?

- Oh yea, forgot...